Hello! Are You Listening?
January 20th, 2008 by admin
There are generic aspects to consider when discussing the topic of listening, and although this posting is going to deal with the importance of listening in a negotiation context, what is written here can be applied cross-contextually.
It is possible to identify three pitfalls of poor listening:
First of all, many people believe that negotiating has as its central function, the art of persuasion, and that persuading means talking.
They see talking as an active role and listening as a passive role.
What these people forget is that persuasion is extremely difficult when you don’t know what motivates the person you are trying to persuade.
The second pitfall is that poor listeners tend to concentrate on what they have to say rather than on what the other party is saying, and they use their listening time, preparing for when it is their turn to speak.
In so doing, they fail to pay attention to information that could be vital later in the negotiation.
Many accomplished negotiators are very comfortable with silence and use it to their advantage.
And finally, people let their emotional filters prevent them from hearing what they do not want to hear, and from seeing what they do not want to see.
Words are only a small part of any message, in actual fact they comprise only 7% of the communication experience.
Intonation or tonality is factored at 38%, and nonverbal communication or the physiology of a person at 55%.
Good listeners and observers know how to minimize the effect of their emotional filters so that they can as objectively as possibly evaluate the true position of the other party.
So what are attentive listening skills?
Being motivated to listen
Knowing that the person with the most information is usually the person in control of a situation should give you an incentive to be a better listener.
It is also wise to set goals for the amount and type of information you hope to receive from your counterpart.
The more you listen, the more you learn, the better off you will be.
When speaking, ask questions to find out what the other party expects
You have to continually be asking questions to get specific and gain useful information to discover the needs and goals of your counterpart.
By moving from broad to narrow questions, you will eventually acquire the information needed to make the best decision.
Be alert to nonverbal cues
As critical as it is to listen to what the other party has to say, it is equally important to understand the attitudes and motives behind what is said; remember the value of physiology is 55% of the communication process.
In any form of communication, it is not wise to put too much value on words for the communicator usually does not put his whole communication in this format.
For example, the verbal message may indicate agreement, but the physiology may show doubt.
Let your counterpart start the conversation with his story first
It is important that you find out what their position is before you put your cards on the table.
Do not interrupt when your counterpart is speaking
Apart from the fact that it is rude, it is likely to prevent the speaker from revealing information that could be valuable to you later.
People usually need some time to warm up, build rapport and trust before opening up.
Even if you think that what your counterpart has said is inaccurate, do not interrupt.
Some of the most vital information during a negotiation will come when your counterpart disagrees with you or shares something that surprises you, allow this to happen without interrupting.
If you really listen, rather than interrupting, you’ll get very insightful information.
Avoid being distracted
Distractions are like interruptions, they prevent the negotiation from proceeding smoothly, and they often cause setbacks.
When negotiating, try to create an environment in which you can think clearly and be aware that employees, peers, children, animals, and phones are distractions that will take your focus off the task at hand.
Do not rely on your memory
Whenever you are told something in a negotiation, write it down; this will avoid conflicting information later.
Keeping effective records builds trust and affirms your credibility as a professional.
Writing things down only takes a short time which is later saved when there are discrepancies in recall.
Listen with a goal in mind
If you have a listening goal, you can look for words and nonverbal cues for information you are seeking.
When you hear revealing information, you can expand on that by asking further questions.
Look your counterpart in the eye
This point needs to be culture sensitive. In Western cultures, the perception is that a person is trustworthy if they look you in the eye.
This also shows that you are giving the person your undivided attention.
A further bonus is that you will be able to see if there have been any internal shifts in the emotional state of your counterparts indicating something that was just said has caused a change internally.
With people exercising situational values and with the mixed values in people today, astuteness and caution are necessary.
React to the message, not the person
It is helpful to appreciate why a person is saying what they are saying. Each person in the negotiation is trying to move the relationships for their best interest according to their model of the world.
Check for understanding, and be empathetic. How would you react if in their position?
If you do react negatively to words or actions, make sure you attack the message not the person.
Never get angry, keep your cool
When you get angry you hand over control to your counterpart. Anger does now allow the best decisions to be made.
There is a saying: Act in haste, repent in leisure.
Emotion of any kind hinders clarity of decision-making. You may make gestures as though you are angry, but your emotions must be in control.
It is impossible to listen and speak at the same time
If you are speaking, you are not getting information from the other party, which you will need. Learn the frame of reference your counterpart is operating from before you go into details.
When you are in control, you are in the driver’s seat.
For a negotiation to have a permanent win-win feel, each party must feel that the outcome is fair for all concerned.
Each party must feel that they have been heard and that their contribution has been valuable.
In a previous posting on NLP Presuppositions, Part 5, one of the beliefs is thatthe meaning of the communication is the response that you get. This places the responsibility for the direction of the negotiation squarely on each person involved.
Gloria M Hamilten is a recognized authority in disciplines within Personal Development and Corporate trainings, and in Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
She has her own training business, and conducts courses for Businesses, Sporting groups and Educational Institutions in Australia.
Her professional experience covers over 30 years of study, research, one-on-one coaching, group coaching, presentations and workshops. Her clientele includes children as well as adults.
Gloria is the author of the well-received eBook: “Hypnosis De-hyped.”
Her website provide a wealth of informative articles and resources on everything within these genres.
Visit her websites:
http://www.connect4results.com
http://neuro-linguistic-pro-site.com
This article may be freely reprinted or distributed in its entirety in any e-zine, newsletter, or website. The author’s name, bio and website links must remain intact and be included with every reproduction.
Tags: business development, listening, listening skills, negotiation, negotiation skills
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